The Pain Of Writing

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This morning I’m getting ready to begin a new book.  Actually, I’m beginning it again.  I didn’t like the way it was when I started it in November.  Actually, I hated it.  I had a really hard time throwing out the work I had done, but I did it.
Pssst…it’s not really gone, I saved it, but for public viewing purposes, it’s gone.
Last week I replotted book one of my trilogy.  I planned on getting started with the writing as soon as I finished that process.  I didn’t.  The biggest part of last week was spent with me debating on starting it.  I don’t want to start it and not like it again.  I really believe in this story I’m trying to tell, but I don’t believe in myself to tell it.  Make sense?  If you are a writer, I’m sure you’ll get it.
You can get so lost in your head when you try to begin the creative process.  You compare yourself to others, you constantly remember the negative things that have been said about your writing, and you battle against your own insecurity.  All of those things try to steal your voice.
In an effor to put it into words this morning I came up with this.  I feel like Hellen Keller as a child.  I’m frustrated that I can’t communicate.  So if you see me throwing silverware and acting out, I’m really a brilliant person just trying to be understood.
All kidding aside, it is much like that.  I have ideas, thoughts and great imaginations but when I try to put them down on “paper” they are nothing like I want them to be.  That’s the frustrating part.  I think part of that problem is that I’m writing with you in mind.  I’m trying to please all the critics and it’s not possible.  There will always be critics.  When I try to please everyone, I lose me.  So, no offense, but I’m not going to write for you anymore.  I’m just going to write.  I’m going to treat it as if none of you were ever going to read it.  Maybe then I can feel free to write how I want to.
You may not understand a thing this post has said, and that’s okay.  I’m okay with strange looks, I’ve gotten them often throughout my life.  I think it comes with the territory.  I’m okay with that.
Okay, now I’m really off to start my next novel!

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